I have been (kindly) informed by several readers that I have been slacking. And for that, I apologize. I wish I could say that the holidays took over my life and I simply was much too busy contemplating “the reason for the season” to labor over my blog. But the truth is, I haven’t exactly been a little ray of sunshine lately—Hell, I didn’t even bother decorating a tree this year. So, rather than crap all over everyone else’s celebratory seasons, I have been keeping myself to myself. Sometimes you just have to quarantine your own foulness lest you infect the shiny, happy people around you. I’m not channeling perky Pollyanna these days, but wretchedness is supposed to be a writer’s cattle prod. Perhaps that will bode well for my current scribblings.
Part of my current malfunction is that I am stillstillSTILL waiting. In my world, “to wait” is no longer a verb, but a perpetual state of being. I haven’t even spoken to my social worker in months; for all I know, she could have left the adoption agency for a career as a Cirque du Soleil unicycle clown. The interminable delay has created a unique form of boredom that literally is painful to endure.
I try to fill my non-working hours with positive, constructive endeavors, but I can distract myself with only so many practical, productive projects before I am reeled back to reality by my various underlying issues. While I sometimes can wear out my body with endless trips to the gym and various late-night excursions, getting my brain to …stop… appears to be a whole other matter. Unfortunately, when trying to fill a void, bad habits and old patterns of behavior tend to slip back on as easily as the ripped Nirvana T-shirt shoved in the back of the closet that is too far gone to wear in public yet too damn comfortable to give to Goodwill.
Patience has never been a virtue of mine. I’ve tried to cultivate that particular talent, but it continually escapes me. I’ll admit it: If I want something, I want it now. And if someone has the nerve to tell me “no,” I’ll relentlessly pursue my objective until I find the loophole that enables me to obtain whatever it is I apparently feel I can’t live without. In my current predicament, however, there simply is nothing more I can do. No more forms to fill out or phone calls to make. No appointments to keep or classes to attend. I’m like Captain Hook, afraid of the ever-present tick-tick-tick of the clock. Although mine hasn’t been swallowed by a carnivorous crocodile, it constantly reminds me of how many years of my life I have spent pursuing this goal. Simply put, all I see from my shaded window is a gaping black hole, and I find myself running out of things to fill it with.
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December 30, 2009 at 10:45 am
Nicole
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For putting words to what I’m also feeling. And for letting me know that I’m not alone. My sentiment is usually that I know this will happen eventually – we will have a child. I just can’t wait for this part to be over. The wait.
January 20, 2010 at 4:01 pm
mrsdmenopausemom
Oh my! It’s been awhile since I checked in to see how things are going! I haven’t been too active with my blog either! I can remember with crystal clear clarity all the Christmases we did not put up trees. I remember faking illness so as to not have to attend family functions with happy families with children. Those dark days can come back to me in a flash! Just remember all the people out there that love you and are praying for you, and share the same feelings as you do. Our case file sat on a desk for over a year. We would make our monthly calls, and our case worker would say, we’re still working on it. One month we called and got our case worker’s boss. Seems she had been fired for not doing her job. The boss was shocked out how long our file had sat there. She told us, your all ready to go, there was no reason that you should have had to wait this long. I’ll present your case at our next meeting. From that meeting, we were paired up with a little 2 yr old boy, who had just himself been cleared for adoption. He became our son ! I hate it when pple say that God has a plan, but if we had been presented any earlier, he would not have been ready for us. So, the wait was worth it. I know it’s not really a helpful thing to hear when you are waiting, but I do believe that wonderful opportunites can come our way , maybe with a little help from God? What’s that saying about perspiration plus opportunity gets you succes? I can never get those things right! Anyway, hang in there! And thanks for sharing!!!!!! Keep up the great work
January 21, 2010 at 5:58 pm
poverty_dieter
Hi there! I saw your comment on the pink shirt guy’s blog and traveled on over to this one. Good comment over there, by the way. I agree totally.
As for the adoption waiting…I have no clue what to tell you, except that I’ve learned that the squeaky wheel always get the oil (or something like that). It took my brother and his wife almost two years to get their little girl from China. Two long years! But now they have her and she is the best. It seems like she’s always been there. The two long years are a memory.
Hang in there! …and start making some phone calls to your agency.
March 5, 2010 at 9:45 pm
kathleen white "Gramaleen"
I’m NEEDING something new here! : ) I know its hard to wait…I WAITED for John! He was out of the BLUE and JUST what GOD planned! Don’t give up.. Put your Fleece out.. Decorate a nursery…